Sunday, January 16, 2011

Fine

Yesterday I was worried I was going blind in the other eye
So I went to the doctor
They probed me with instruments and bright lights and I imagined the cutting and the binding and having to lie with my head hanging off the bed again for five days straight
And the black gas bubble blocking my vision and the feeling of wanting to leave this place
If I can’t see it
But the doctor said
Everything is fine
Except for those little tears that could turn into another perforation
If you aren’t careful

Then I put on my mother’s pink Indian tunic with e the silver sequins
And went to party for my friends’ wedding
There were bowls of food and academics with wine glasses
One man seemed interested in me
And told me awkwardly about his music
Until a woman approached and smiled blandly at us
And I realized they were together
So I quietly turned my attention to her

Another man came to sit beside me
To eat the prosciutto on the plate, he said
With a sideways smile
But in a few moments
Was mentioning his wife
And how they drive to work together
And specialize in the same rare field
And I thought
I hope the man I am with is like this second man
When he talks about me
Not because he feels he has to
But because the doesn’t want the single girl at the party
To feel any confusion
And because he actually wants to tell her
How we are together in the world
How we write poems together or dance or whatever
To give her faith and that this exists

My friend the bride rarely fully smiles
But last night I saw her charming teeth and gums
As she stood for-the-first-time flustered in a taffeta dress
I told her I was jealous of her husband
And would have married her myself

And when I drove home alone
It was hard for me to see
I got lost even in Venice which I know
Unable to read the street signs
And I wished for someone to drive the car
And hold me in his arms when we got home
Like all those couples with their platters of salmon and rice and spinach salads and wedding cake and their glasses of wine
Taking off their suits and dresses and getting into bed on a night as warm as spring in winter

But when you ask me how I am today
all I say is okay
And when I ask you how you are
You say fine
How am I to know it’s not the truth?

8 comments:

  1. beautiful and amazing and completely how i'm feeling lately that I almost cried. thank you flb.

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  2. I could feel the pain and could see all the images. You always paint such lovely pictures with your words.

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  3. so poignant... I wish I could soothe your eyes with a magic balm. I want you to have your centaur with all of his heart devoted to you...and I know you will.
    Love.

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  4. this hit home.
    you are beauty in its
    fnest form.

    i love you.
    xoxoxo

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  5. How is everything you write so magical? I feel like when I'm reading your words they're dancing in my mind, thank you for this and I hope you find the perfect man, I honestly do.
    I'll come drive you home and write poems and dance with you if you'd like :)

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  7. what poignancy she states & resonates

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  8. I'm so glad your eye is okay. <3
    This poem made me cry, because I know what you mean. I want that too.
    You are beautiful. I would marry you if I could! :)

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