Saturday, April 30, 2011

tornado unedited

i've felt ripped asunder
ripped from loved ones
but this makes poetic metaphors look like pale corpses
thrown in the dirt

what was it like to be torn apart like that?
it even had warren olney gasping
how you barricaded yourselves in the closet with two dogs and a friend
how a house and a door and even your football player boyfriend's body
was not enough to keep you from being thrown 500 yards
he survived woke on the ground with two dead animals beside him
and you were nowhere
young dark haired and pretty
as the new princess
no glass carriages white horses satin trains lace veils meadow bouquets or princely kisses
no law school marriage babies
just the wrath of a despairing and indiscriminate planet
lost bride of the tornado
may your domain be oz

Friday, April 29, 2011

unedited: kindess came to visit

kindness came to visit
he took us through a mountain of wildflowers
to a perfect, hidden cove
where my hot, complaining children ended their warfare
to splash and bury each other in the sand
kindness took us to a movie
he would never otherwise want to see
and fed us at restaurants he would never otherwise have gone
and then kindness walked my errant dog with me
and i told him
i'm so glad i don't have to be the man for once i'm not very good at it
and he said why should i be
my shoulders fell back down
and my eyes, for a few days
didn't feel like they were filled with sand
i didn't even notice
the hollow sound in my maybe-very-last designer purse
(even though it was from tj maxx)
as the coins rattled around

but kindness i am still scratched and empty
in such disrepair
even your landscaping fingers
cannot rebuild my ruined garden

Thursday, April 28, 2011

for miss unedited

were you lost once in some blue hotel room
papered with peter pan?
did you forget who you once were?
with no one to remind you
shattered in a mirror black as ray-bans

other daughter
third little
fierce girl-boy in black cashmere and basketball shoes
perfect black hair shock and pretty lipped vampiric smile
(don't you dare get those teeth fixed)
you send me photos of your grocery cart and i am proud of your broccoli
your apples and organic strawberries
seeing you learn how to care for you
after years of not

you come over and play basketball with sam and bring jasmine your old bright hoodies
since you wear only black now
and sometimes when you are sad, you put your head in my lap like a long, sweet, slightly feral kitty cat
who sometimes needs a home
and butternut squash soup and chocolate chip cookies from the oven

sometimes when i am caring for you like a child i forget
that you are the one i call when i am most afraid
that you were there
with pink flowers and phone calls
more than anyone else when my mother died
that you counsel me like a true sage on work and men
and then i remember that when i'm gone
you are the one i will want my children to go to first
to be held and reminded
who i was
by one who knows
herself

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I am going to write you this poem off top of my head with no editing here goes

it is always bad to look up blogs of men you have dated
late at night when you are alone
and that sick rush you get when you find the poem
about you
that says you are not the shining flower
he once thought

though i never knew he thought i was either shining or a flower
nor that i had disturbed him enough to write a poem of this kind about

i wish he had told me to my face
how he felt untrusted
and about the way he perceived me
and then the way it changed
i would like to tell him directly too
but all that is left for me to do
is write this and post it for everyone but him to see

and maybe for him, too
and maybe for him whom i once called you
as my petals drop and furl to crisp dark shreds

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A poem for Gilda

It’s been six months since you left
Out of the top of your head
Shining
And the room had never been so empty
Nor your body
now a tiny shell dressed in fresh pink cotton
Before it,too, was carried off by men in suits

I don’t wonder so much where you have gone
but on bad days I want to go the way you did
And if it wasn't for my children
And not just my biological ones (though mostly)
I’d want it really badly

You broke your heart open one too many times
Like a little otter with a shell and a rock
And I can’t do that anymore
If I try again
My whole body will break
Just like yours
Invaded by Death’s gropings at the site of Love's decimation

So I’ve given up
On my desire for someone to accept the offering of my broken-open heart
That someone, floating on his back in the sea beside me
Big dark eyes and a body of immeasurable warmth

How do you lose the person you love most
You don’t
You die with them
or at least a part of you
And then you find them again

Now all I want is my home
This is the other shell I’ll inhabit
Until I die
(Like you, with a beloved child on either side)
I am it’s heart
And eventually
I will be released